I never thought that I would actually be at peace with myself. I was mistaken.
For so long, I've been trying to get to a place where I am really comfortable with myself. I wanted to know where I was going, when I was going to get there and how everything was going to turn out. I needed a schedule, a plan. I needed to be able to open up a map and see everything laid out for me or I felt panicked. I felt like I was behind everyone else that I knew. I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything with my life and that everything up until that point had been for nothing.
Because I had this grand scheme for myself, if anything, anything at all, went wrong, I was devastated. I didn't know how to handle it and I needed to do everything in my power to get things back on course. I would push to get things back where they needed, in my eyes, to be, even if that wasn't what was best for everyone involved. I needed to have the plan. My life was ticking away without me, and nothing was getting done.
Eventually, I started to realize how wrong things had become. No, wrong is too harsh a word. Things were incorrect. My life had, at point, the potential to be right, but things had gone off course and become, like I said, incorrect. I started seeing that and knew that I had to do something about it, even if it hurt, even if it tore everything I had been hoping for to shreds. So, I threw out the plan and started everything again.
It was terrible. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and believe me, that is saying something. Since that moment, things have been up and down. It seems like a lot more up than down most of the time, but I have been able to live with that because of one thing: I am finally at peace with myself and my life.
It was blindingly simple. I woke up one day and realized that I was trying too hard. I'm sure many other people for many years have been coming to this same conclusion, but for me it was like walking turning off the pain centre in my brain during a migraine. I saw that I had been trying too hard to get things the way I wanted them to be, and that was stopping me from living and being who I was. Yes, that statement is covered in cheese, but that doesn't stop it from being true.
I've stopped trying. My life will come to me as it comes. I know that now. I will find what and who I need in due time. Right now, I'm happy. I'm content. I wouldn't change anything.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The Un-named Tale, Part Two
"Hello. I knew you'd be back."
It wasn't a voice like you would expect a snake to have, Lyna thought, all slithery and hissy. It was instead very precise and sharp on the edges, kind of like the jewels that covered it. "I wasn't sure, of course, but I did hope. You seemed very promising."
Raimy was transfixed. He had moved a few steps closer to the creature, arms limp and mouth hanging a little askew. He was just about to take another step when Lyna realized the Ruby Snake had been addressing itself to him the entire time, and looking straight into his eyes. With a gasp, she grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him back, clasping her hands over both his eyes.
"Stop that, right now! I know what you're doing." The snake turned it's gaze on her, and she swallowed. "We're not country folk around here, you know, and we know all about you. I'll have none of your tricks!" As soon as the snake had turned to her, she had slightly averted her gaze so as not to look directly in it's eyes, but so as not to appear rude. You don't want to upset a snake, no matter it's size. It seemed the creature had realized this, because it made a sound that was suspiciously like a laugh.
"Afraid of a snake charm, are we?" It chuckled again. "No need to fear, little Lyna. I'm a boy charmer, and you are certainly not a boy."
At this, Lyna's head came up. "Boy charmer? There's no such thing. There are snake charmers, but not boy or man charmers. They don't exist."
The snake smiled indulgently. "Then why did you feel the need to protect your brother just now?"
"Ruby Snakes have the ability to charm everyone, lull them into a false sense of security."
"Well, I'm doing a rotten job of that with you. No, I am a boy charmer. And as for snake charmers, they're all frauds. The snakes are in league with them. They just go along with the act and get fed and well cared for, with a warm place to sleep. Not a bad deal, if you think about it. Now," and it nodded towards Raimy, "are you going to let him go?"
"Oh!" She had been so absorbed in the snake that she hadn't realized her brother trying to pull her hands off his face. She released him, only to get a swift kick in the shins.
"I told you, Lyna, I told you! There's a Ruby Snake! It's..." He cut himself short, turned around, and stared. "It's right there."
"Hello, Raimy," said the snake.
"Hello, snake," said Raimy.
"My name is Wistal, and I need you to do something for me."
"Sure." He was starting to get that dopey eyed look again, so Lyna put her arm around him to let him know that this was still the real world.
"I need you to pull all the power of your knowing and push it at me. That way, my snake charms won't work on you. Can you do that?"
"All of it?" He got this look on his face like someone had deliberately asked him to track mud into the house. "Really? It won't... hurt?"
"Not a lot. Now, concentrate... and push." Wistal stood up so it's soft belly was exposed. Raimy stood right in front of it, his little hands balled into fists and just stared, but the intensity on his face was like nothing Lyna had ever seen before. Of course, she had no idea what any of that had meant, but Raimy certainly had, and she was just going to have to...
Her thoughts were struck dumb. Raimy's light as sand hair had started to glow, and in almost the same instant there was a thump in the ground, as if someone had struck it with the biggest hammer in their father's forge. The glow surrounded Wistal, was absorbed, and was gone.
Wistal slumped to the ground, panting for breath. Raimy, back to his normal self, rushed to her. "No, Raimy, stay away from it!"
"Her, Lyna. It's a girl. And she's going to be very tired for a while."
"That's well and good, but it wouldn't be tired if you hadn't... hadn't... what was that? Your knowing? Your power? I don't understand."
Wistal raised her head from where it had been resting in her brother's lap. "I can explain it all to you, after I sleep. For now, let me tell you this. I have been looking for your brother for a long time."
It wasn't a voice like you would expect a snake to have, Lyna thought, all slithery and hissy. It was instead very precise and sharp on the edges, kind of like the jewels that covered it. "I wasn't sure, of course, but I did hope. You seemed very promising."
Raimy was transfixed. He had moved a few steps closer to the creature, arms limp and mouth hanging a little askew. He was just about to take another step when Lyna realized the Ruby Snake had been addressing itself to him the entire time, and looking straight into his eyes. With a gasp, she grabbed her brother's arm and yanked him back, clasping her hands over both his eyes.
"Stop that, right now! I know what you're doing." The snake turned it's gaze on her, and she swallowed. "We're not country folk around here, you know, and we know all about you. I'll have none of your tricks!" As soon as the snake had turned to her, she had slightly averted her gaze so as not to look directly in it's eyes, but so as not to appear rude. You don't want to upset a snake, no matter it's size. It seemed the creature had realized this, because it made a sound that was suspiciously like a laugh.
"Afraid of a snake charm, are we?" It chuckled again. "No need to fear, little Lyna. I'm a boy charmer, and you are certainly not a boy."
At this, Lyna's head came up. "Boy charmer? There's no such thing. There are snake charmers, but not boy or man charmers. They don't exist."
The snake smiled indulgently. "Then why did you feel the need to protect your brother just now?"
"Ruby Snakes have the ability to charm everyone, lull them into a false sense of security."
"Well, I'm doing a rotten job of that with you. No, I am a boy charmer. And as for snake charmers, they're all frauds. The snakes are in league with them. They just go along with the act and get fed and well cared for, with a warm place to sleep. Not a bad deal, if you think about it. Now," and it nodded towards Raimy, "are you going to let him go?"
"Oh!" She had been so absorbed in the snake that she hadn't realized her brother trying to pull her hands off his face. She released him, only to get a swift kick in the shins.
"I told you, Lyna, I told you! There's a Ruby Snake! It's..." He cut himself short, turned around, and stared. "It's right there."
"Hello, Raimy," said the snake.
"Hello, snake," said Raimy.
"My name is Wistal, and I need you to do something for me."
"Sure." He was starting to get that dopey eyed look again, so Lyna put her arm around him to let him know that this was still the real world.
"I need you to pull all the power of your knowing and push it at me. That way, my snake charms won't work on you. Can you do that?"
"All of it?" He got this look on his face like someone had deliberately asked him to track mud into the house. "Really? It won't... hurt?"
"Not a lot. Now, concentrate... and push." Wistal stood up so it's soft belly was exposed. Raimy stood right in front of it, his little hands balled into fists and just stared, but the intensity on his face was like nothing Lyna had ever seen before. Of course, she had no idea what any of that had meant, but Raimy certainly had, and she was just going to have to...
Her thoughts were struck dumb. Raimy's light as sand hair had started to glow, and in almost the same instant there was a thump in the ground, as if someone had struck it with the biggest hammer in their father's forge. The glow surrounded Wistal, was absorbed, and was gone.
Wistal slumped to the ground, panting for breath. Raimy, back to his normal self, rushed to her. "No, Raimy, stay away from it!"
"Her, Lyna. It's a girl. And she's going to be very tired for a while."
"That's well and good, but it wouldn't be tired if you hadn't... hadn't... what was that? Your knowing? Your power? I don't understand."
Wistal raised her head from where it had been resting in her brother's lap. "I can explain it all to you, after I sleep. For now, let me tell you this. I have been looking for your brother for a long time."
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